Hands off our girls

Labour are to spend £10million of our money on an advertising campaign aimed at stopping women drinking.

Despite hundreds of studies confirming the health benefits of booze, they’ve found one that suggests a theoretical link between drinking one glass of wine a day and breast cancer.

You’re 60% more likely to get it if you read the Telegraph or Mail, 50% more if you take the Times and 45% according to early press releases (now changed).

Funnily enough, health fascist Dawn (Prim an’ proper) Primarolo is quiet on the fact that guidelines on alcohol consumption were “plucked out of the air” and that a teetotaller is 60 times more likely to get a huge range of fatal diseases as a drinker.

I could give hyperlinks to all the studies that prove alcohol is good for you but can’t be bothered, just google it if you don’t believe me.

In the meantime, Lent is over but I’m sticking to my pledge to wait till one second past midnight on Easter Sunday morning to taste my first drink after 46 days in the wilderness.

What shall it be? A bottle of Batemans beer? A fine wine? A strange and exotic cocktail? A shot of bourbon? A soon-to-be-banned superstrength lager?

All will be revealed, just as soon as I decide.

For a split-second I almost weakened and thought about giving up booze for good, especially after my lovely wife sighed that she loved me on the wagon more than than off. I’ve also lost a stone in weight and some of my long-term memory is returning.

But drink is my destiny, my holy quest.